The Trouble with Being Myself is…

Self Help, Uncategorized

  
  Last night was pretty fun, I had drinks with my acting class and we discussed our careers and goals.  We all gave each other constructive criticism and said what we could work on.  I was told  that I’m a good looking dude and if I kept up with my appearance more I’d be on track for my career in entertainment.   This caught me off guard because I thought I had become more comfortable with who I was over the years.  I remember being so scared thay I wouldn’t even speak or give me opinion out of fear of judgment, and I’ve grown so much since then.  Honestly, I could give a shit about what I wear or how people perceive…..who am I kidding, I care so much I’ve given up on trying. I hate this because it stiffles me from being happy. Low self esteem has plagued me my entire life.  

 I took this test earlier today that told me I had low self esteem.  It’s something that I’ve always battled with my whole life, but never wanted to admit.  I’ve battled with having a low opinion of myself and what I offer ever since I could remember.  I’m in an industry where having confidence is probably the most important thing.  Looks have always been last priority to me.  I barely shave, I dress pretty plain although I have my moments that I look fashionable, but I dress to not be seen or stand out.  If I have to dress up for an event or audition I will, but normally I’m just a plain dude.  Btw, I hate ties and suits.  If I were back home, this would be applicable.  Here in Los Angeles, it makes me stand out but not in a good way. 

I’ve never admitted to myself that I cared so much and even thought I was above it.  I told myself on shallow people care about looks and my talent and personality would shine through. That was a lie. I cared so much about people thought about me that it was easier not to care at all.  So where do I go from here?  I haven’t decided yet, but I do know I’m going to start doing things and making choices that make me feel happy about myself.  It’s easier said that done because it’s easier to sabotage myself and do things that contradict my happiness.  I have to do it though because I’m tired of being unhappy with myself…